January 15, 2018

I don’t wanna hurt you.

This wasn’t part of the plan.

I don’t wanna hurt you.

It hurts to think I can.

Every part of me said “yes”.

So why would you think “no”.

I thought it was what I wanted.

I thought it would help us grow.

I spent all day telling myself that this feeling would go away.

But this feeling..this feeling, it just seems to stay.

I don’t know how to tell you that I feel like a part of me is gone.

This is how I’ve felt

from dusk

til dawn.

Stay tuned.

Ash

November 3, 2017

You Filled the Space

The space in between my fingers

The space next to me on my bed

The space next to me in the car

The space in between us, when you stood too far

The space in my mind before I went to sleep

And some of my favorite memories, that I will always keep

The space is now empty

In more ways the one

This space stays empty

No matter which way I run

I don’t want you to fill it

That is no longer for you to do

I wish I could fill it for myself

So, I can confidently say

“I don’t need you”

I don’t. Need you.

I am pulling myself through.

I’m learning to fill my own spaces

With some of my favorite faces.

You filled the space once.

But that is no more

You don’t fill the space now

That’s not what you’re for

Stay tuned.

Ash

November 24, 2017

I have been struggling with the idea of who deserves to be apart of my life. The saying, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”, has been popping into my mind. I recently had a falling out with one of my really good friends, over a boy, unfortunately. When I confronted her at the beginning about it, I told myself that this situation was either going to make us or break us. Unfortunately, it broke us. Or so I thought. The boy and I ended up not working. However, this “friend” treated me so poorly that I had decided that I didn’t want her in my life regardless of how the relationship turned out. A couple weeks after I ended the relationship, I was going through a really hard time. This friend found out and reached out to me over text and explained that she understood what I was going through with this boy and that she was there for me if I needed it. She said that she wanted to try to be friends again. I agreed that we should meet and talk after we got back from this break from school. As the week draws to an end, I ask myself how I want this conversation to go. Do I want to accept her back into my life or peacefully reject the friendship? In the beginning, the answer was easy. Peacefully reject the friendship. After things that I have said and things that she has said, I figured the relationship should be over. It wouldn’t feel like an honest friendship if I went on after this. However, I have been fighting new thoughts. I have taken the time to reminisce on the memories we have shared. When I think back to my freshman year of college, I know that she is a part of some of my favorite memories.

In my heart, I want to bring this person back into my life in the same way she was in it before. But I know that if I did this this time, I would be more likely to do it again and again later in my life. This person was in my life in such an important way. When I sit down to have this conversation with this person, I don’t intend to cut her out of my life entirely. I do intend, however, to make clear that our relationship cannot be the same as it was before. She will always hold a special place in my life. This person was in my life for a season but not a lifetime. And that is okay.

There are people who are meant to be constant in our lives but that cannot be everyone. You are the deciding factor. Let that be okay.

Stay tuned.

Ash

written November 16, 2017

Things to remember when you lose someone you love:

number one: it’s not you fault. you cannot blame yourself.

number two: it’s okay if you don’t know what to say. words run short when a person you love is no longer there to hear them. 

number three: it’s okay to cry.

number four: it’s okay if don’t cry.

number five: it is not your job to be “the strong one”. no matter how many weights you’ve lifted in your life, your limbs can still fall limp when the memories of someone you love begin to flood in. 

number six: you could not have possibly planned or prepared for the way you will feel when you reach for the phone to call them to tell them the next big thing in your life. nothing will prepare you for the first time you find a card that they signed, “love you more”. 

it is hard. and not the least bit fun. but.

number seven: you will be okay. you will make it through. 

Stay tuned.

Ash

                                    Let it be your breaking point

You have made excuses.

You have decided that you brought it on yourself.

Maybe you deserved it.

You told yourself you didn’t give enough

or weren’t there enough.

You decided that maybe if you’d done this or been there for that,

that things would be different.

The truth is you gave more than enough.

They took advantage of what you gave

They let you be the slave

to their feelings.  

But when you care for someone,

truly care for someone,

you are careful of what stones you choose to step on when you cross the river.

They made the choice

to step on all the wrong ones.

Let it be your breaking point.

Let it be your breaking point when they make a fool of you in front of people you love.

When they decide to walk on by

Instead of stopping and giving you a hug.

When you realize that they only thought of you as the gift that kept giving

When the tears no longer fall from your eyes

realize

that this is the good in goodbye.

Let it be the breaking point

when it is clear that nothing you say or do

will ever get through.

You never gave too little.

You gave too much.

This time, there doesn’t have to be a next time.

Let it be your breaking point.

Stay tuned.

Ash

November 23, 2017

I can fall in love with someone after my first conversation with them. By “fall in love” I don’t necessarily mean romantically. When I say “fall in love”, I mean that once this person walks away from me and the conversation is over, I know that I don’t want them to leave my life anytime soon. I can fall in love with someone because of the way they talk about life or by the way they talk about something they love. For most of my life, this has hurt me in more ways than it’s helped me. For example, I am a woman who has always gotten along better with men. But from a young age I was taught that girls and boys could only be involved romantically. So, every time I got close to a guy growing up, I told myself that it was more than a friendship, that it had to be a crush, it had to be something more. Now this went one of two ways: the guy would be like, “yeah, we can give this a try”, and we would be together but then eventually I would get a weird panicky feeling and call it off OR he would get weirded out and never speak to me again. Either way, I would lose one of my closest friends. This pattern has followed me all the way up to almost the age of 20. When I am in the relationship, I give my all to this person from the very beginning. Because, to me, this relationship is going to go all the way to marriage so why waste time not knowing every detail about each other. I dive in. Then, somewhere about a month in, I realize. If I stop for a minute and think, “Are me and this person even the slightest bit compatible?”, the answer always comes out to be, “no”. Somewhere in the future there seems to be gap that we can’t seem to make the jump across together. And then there’s heartbreak. Heartbreak because of the fear of losing this person from my life forever. Heartbreak because I wonder if this cycle will ever end.

As I reach the end of this cycle once again in my life, I wonder. I wonder if maybe I am not meant to marry someone. Maybe I am not meant to give my whole heart to just one person in this life. I become scared that one day I will think that I have found the one and find myself about to walk down the aisle and suddenly turn into that runaway bride I’ve always hated seeing in movies. I began writing this in hopes that when I came closer to the end, I would finally have an answer. That I would finally know what I am supposed to do. I keep hearing people say that I need to lean on God, that God has it all planned out for me. But as much as I know this is true, I can’t help but chase that happily ever after for the moment I am in right now. I can’t help but turn every corner with a small hope that “the one” will be there waiting with a sign that says, “It’s me. I’m the one you’ve been looking for”.  How will I know? Will I know? I know. I know that there is no possible way for me to know what the future has entail for me. But oh, how I yearn to.

So. What have I figured out? I am not entirely sure, if I am being honest. I know that getting all this out on a page has sort of lifted a weight off my shoulders. However, I am also hyper aware of the fact that I am, in this moment, falling into that cycle all over again. I am moving forward knowing that this may be a vicious cycle that never ends for me. But I also know that having this realization does not make me want to love people any less. I love people. I love hearing their stories. I love learning about their values. I love seeing them go after what makes them the happiest. And I want to keep loving people this way until the day I die. If that means that maybe I have to live my life as a single woman, then so be it. Maybe this is how I am supposed to leave my mark on the world.

Stay tuned.

Ash